- picture via tumblr
A couple of weeks ago I woke up and I just hated everything I’ve ever done in my entire life. You know those kinds of moments? I kept overthinking about how I wasn’t executing my ideas the right way, I wasn’t studying the right way, I’m not breathing right way, I’m not gonna get anywhere and I just am not meant for the things I want. I really had to stop and force myself to relax cause this was really going against my care-free aesthetic. I decided to take a break from my creative side for a week or so. To self reflect and re-centre myself.
My relationship with my dreams changed, and that’s okay
I think those kinds of spirals are signals from your mind to relax. Like that quote, “If you don’t pick a day to relax, your body will pick one for you”
During this break I realized, I’m really in a full on relationship with my art now. And just as the nature of all relationships, you have your downs but it doesn’t define who you are as a couple (lol). Similarly, I realized, the essence of my relationship has changed over time. It’s no longer a form of escapism for me, because I’ve started taken steps towards my dreams, it has become less of a fantasy and more of a goal. Now when I think of my life, it’s more of a to-do list? If that makes sense? I can’t let my mind wander too far because it’s really unproductive, I know what I want now so there’s really no point in dwelling in the unknowns. It leads to breaking my own heart when I don’t reach what I wanted to right away. I’m now focused on the day-to-day, perfecting the baby steps.
This is all such a heavy contrast from when I was figuring out my path. When you are figuring out what you want to do, I think it’s so much better to focus on the macro instead of the micro. Forget about the nuisances of finding the resources, figuring out a schedule, that can be solved later. It’s much more important to figure out if you’re even going to end up somewhere you like. Is it going to fulfil you?
this era we are in is *such* a blessing
We live in such an amazing time, it would be so silly not take advantage of it. Social Media has closed what was left of the gap that remained from globalization. We are all connected on a level never seen before in history. The ground is still so fresh. On top of that, the barriers of racism, sexism, and overall judgement have been reduced, because having access to this many people allows us to find our niche. We can find more people that see beyond our image and hear us for our ideas. Keep sharing and you’ll find people who love you for who you are. It’s really amazing.
I think what stops people who have ideas from pushing themselves creatively, is no longer due to access, rather it is because of the fear (well this was the case for me at least). I noticed with myself, it took me so long to get started because I just had such an incorrect mindset of the journey to “success”. It is not an all-or-nothing type of path, rather something you fall in love with, grow with, and eventually master. The success is in the time spent with your art.
I can be me today, and someone better tomorrow
Looking back, I think apart my fear was due to having an expectation on who I should be. I concocted a version of myself that was perfect and much more skilled than what I actually was.
Letting go of the version of myself that I have in my head and just love myself right now. I think that is what makes it so easy to create. I think when I first started I was so rigid, so careful with everything and beating myself up over ever little mistake, when I wasn’t acting or getting rewarded like the successful woman I have in my head.
The lesson that I learned these last couple of months was I’m not her yet. Right now I’m student, and I should just love this part of the step as it is. I’m trying not to worry too much about the future and just see the beauty in place that I’m in. Right now, as hungry as I am, I’m still learning. I’m trying to enjoy the plus side of this stage, which is that I’m allowed to make as much mistakes as I want, I can say whatever I want, try new things. Sometimes it’s healthy to put the bigger dreams and goals lower down on the list, for a more experienced me to handle. You know what they say, “success is when preparedness meets opportunity” so I gotta focus on getting myself prepared. She’ll know what to do more than me.
I can’t imagine my life without my little work station and my art. I’m so happy I got over my fear and I really hope if you’re like me and you found something that you’ve love, that you don’t let go of it because of fear of society, or of failure, or whatever. I hope you prioritize this relationship just as you prioritize the “important” stuff in your life. At the end of the day, when we die we aren’t going to be thinking about the bills we payed or the deadlines we reached, we are going to be thinking about the connection we had with people and the things of this world. So my proposition to you is that you keep creating as long as you see me doing it- cause I’m not that special, so if I can do it you can to. And if I stop maybe you can think about it then, lol.
keep pushing the envelope!!!