My Remedy

I use to care about the books I wrote in
If they were shiny, new and crisp
I use to care about the quality of the page
And how the ink glided out my pen


I use to care about the time I started
And if the suns shine was set right
Now I’m too hungry to wait
I have to many thoughts that spill out


Now I write on my arm if I need to
Grab any pen in sight
I wake up in the middle of the night to write
I stop myself mid bite


Now I would write if my hands were bleeding
I would write if there’s no electricity
I would write even if my fingers fell off
Cause I would just write with my stubs


And if my hands were stubs
And the electricity shut off,
And then my stubs started to bleed 


Well…


I would leave mental post-its
Along the sides of my brain
Because I want to write so bad
I got so much things I wanna say
I got so much love and passion for things
I want to express it in this way


I want to write my mom
I want to write about my day
I want to write about the little girl who waved to me on the subway
I want to write about that one joke my friend told me that made me laugh so hard
I fell down in the middle of the street


I want to write about the argument I had this morning
That made me so mad I wanted to scream
I want to write about all the things I hate so damn much about this world
And all the things Im gonna change


I want to write about the nights where I feel like I’m alone
When the earth feels dark and cold
I want to write about the days i couldn’t get out of bed
The nights that my heart beats so quiet
I start to wonder if it will soon stop dead 


I want to write about when Im scared
I want to write about all my flaws & mistakes
All the things I did and said that I shouldn’t have 
All the things I didn’t do or say that I should’ve 


I want to write about God
I want to write about the times I feel like I’m slipping 
I want to write about the times I left the Qu’ran 
I want to write about the times I slept through Fajir


This is not just writing anymore
This is where I face my reality
Because within the layer of atoms that lie 
Just between that pen tip and paper 
Theres honesty 
That I’m breaking my neck to see 


For the more I write
the more I find out about myself
Every word 
Every letter
turns into a clue
And my heart starts to beat quick
As I start to spill its contents 
In hopes I can get a glimpse
of the woman I came to be 


I find things that I love
I find things that I hate 
I find words that I didn’t even know I can spell
Emotions I didn’t know I was feeling


Art is a remedy for me
Flushes my soul clean
And I will continue to sacrifice 
All that I can 
To create
For my art is everything to me