Hello, my friend! It’s been a while. I wish I could say after a year and some change, there’s been a big change in my life but honestly….. not really.
So remember I mentioned that years ago I decided to pause my life (school and work) and really go all in with my art? I felt as if life was beckoning me to go in that direction (i.e. a lot of external validation).
But when I turned to face it, it seemed to run away from me. And all went silent. To put it bluntly, I failed. In both my decor and my poetry (though I don’t think you can ever “fail” in poetry). I kept trying different ways to make it work for almost 3 years.
It was disheartened, embarrassing, and tiring. I cried a lot. And Because my other aspects of my life were falling apart (family, personal life) I felt like I lost everything
So now, as much as I would’ve loved to have been able to continue to fund my arts through my art alone, it isn’t really panning out like that. So now I have to go the long way. I went back to school and spent the last year and a half knocking out the rest of my courses alx and now inshallah hopefully fund my arts through my job.
It hurts because I feel so old. Like damn I should’ve figured this out 3 years ago. And there’s so much pain in trying again (and again and again). But better late than never. And thats the meaning behind this poem I wrote. It doesn’t matter if my journey is chopped up and ugly. I don’t care if it’s not smooth, if it’s ghetto, if some solutions are held up with duct tape. I’m too in love to not go for it
I trust Allah whole heartedly to make a way for me.
I also feel this constant worry in the back of my mind.. is my situation is because of my sins? Is my niyyah not right? Am I just cursed with loving something and it’s not written for me?
I have to consciously keep reminding myself Allah is very Rich. And Kind. It is very easy for Him to give us whatever we are praying for. But there’s a nature to this life, and a reason behind everything, and this is what tawwakul is for. Tawwakul is for when things don’t make any sense.
All I can do is tawbah & try again
Also, A lesson I learned is that many of the stories in our lives requires time. Patience is such a virtue. How long was prophet muhammad(saw) and the companions tortured in Mecca? How long was yusuf(as) In prison for?
I have to humble myself, as I am not even an inch of what they(pbut) were. I also am trying unlearn what’s been subconsciously shown to us in this era of one-day-deliveries, 60-second-videos, and highlight reels. We are always given instant gratification it’s no wonder I am struggling with conceptualizing patience and constantly having to readjust my expectations. I love this saying:
“You seem to want instant insight, forgetting that the instant is always preceded by a long preparation. The fruit falls suddenly, but the ripening takes time.”~Nisargadatta Maharaj
I was reading Steve Harvey’s book, “Jump,” and there was a lot of gems that stood out to me: “When you start with just a little bit of hope, you never have to ask God what the plan is for your life.” He also said “You can’t be so proud that you refuse to let God work with the scraps of your life. You have no idea how He will mold your broken pieces into a perfect vessel. You can’t even imagine how He will take your broken heart and put you back together again.”
And: “As you learn to keep your hope flexible, and to affirm yourself and your dream, your confidence will grow.”
I really love that. Keeping your hope flexible.
All in all
So that’s where I’m at now. I have a little corner in my parents basement
It’s not a lot but I’m grateful
It’s really hard for me to sit and write this. There’s a lot more I’d like to say but I do not have the confidence it’s just really embarassing.
Anyways that all for now! I’ll keep trying. I have no followers yet with my decor instagram and no money LOL. Broke gyal. But hopefully by the grace of GOD soon I’ll be out of this basement 😂