Hello my friend! It’s been a long while since I updated my blog, but not a moment where I didn’t think about you. It was hard for me to write because I didn’t really understand what was happening in my life. I feel like sometimes it’s important to digest the lessons that happen before expressing it. Some seasons are not for speaking.

Allhamdulilah, all has been well. I still have been dedicating most of my time to Decor.TO, and a lot has happened. I feel like I have moved closer this dream I have. I am no means anywhere near a full fledge small business(emphasis on small) but I feel as if I’m satisfied with the foundation I’ve built, and now I’m just trying to improve my systems. I can’t wait to share the projects I’m working on!

One thing that happened to me last year is that I got laid off from my job. It was really difficult being unemployed, I ran out of money(again) to fund the growth of my business. Life came to a standstill (again). It was a super frustrating time, subhanallah I just felt this feeling of exasperation. Again? I’m being told nothing?

This period was really hard on me, even though I had been there many times. It felt like a different type of darkness, maybe because I felt as if I had done so much work and had overcome a lot of obstacles, even internally, and none of it seemed to help me. I also felt that so much time had passed, yet I didn’t have anything to show for it. But that’s the thing about the tests that happen in your life. They 1. stress-test your thought processes, to see if they are sound enough to withstand a storm, and 2. they meet you at the capacity where you are. 

I didn’t know what to do next. Months went by, I found myself realizing life needing nothing from me. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I am generally an optimistic person but in this season, I lost all of that. My mind felt so scattered, and I found myself suddenly crying at random times. Getting scammed in December was just the icing on the cake, I decided that maybe I should put more of my focus onto securing a job, rather than trying to run this business on itself (I.e. getting a booking and using that money, cause that could go wrong very fast). 

they meet you at the capacity of where you are

Right after that incident in December, I ended up going to umrah( which I booked before I got laid off). What if I tell you that I was so consumed with what I was going through I didn’t even really acknowledge I was going. And when the date arrived, I was inquiring if I could back out. I know that sounds bad but it just felt so chaotic. I had been to umrah before and right now, I couldn’t get a job, my years of effort in my business was amounting to nothing. What was I doing leaving?

The question itself was its answer: the fact that I didn’t see going to the House of Allah as the solution. Where was my imaan? And what was my mindset? Don’t get me wrong, I was very much begging Allah(swt) for His Help, and I was fulfilling my obligations as a Muslim. I was praying qiyyam, and I even had an alarm for an hour before maghrib on jummah just to make duaa. But I was so preoccupied with wanting to get my life in order, trying to develop a structure for myself, that packing up my bags and going on a trip (even for umrah) in the midst of this, felt irresponsible. 

It’s really out of the Mercy of Allah that He Arranges matters for us

Down bad, crying, throwing up

On the plane I prepared some tafsir to review. Subhanallah it’s so crazy I was just continuing the lessons that I had done previously, and the recording I downloaded happened to start at ayah 121 of surah Ali’ Imran. From that point on, majority of the ayahs are surrounding the loss the muslims faced in the battle of Uhud. The teacher was saying that there is a certain mentality that is being taught here in these verses. Who are you when you lose?

It’s true what they say, you will find yourself in the Quran. I felt like I was being spoken to directly, and as the tafisr went on, one by one, all my worries, questions, and concerns about my life seem to be answered.

I have a million things I want to say about the tafsir of these ayahs, and how much it reframed my thinking during this time. But to keep it short, two major lessons I took were:

1. This is dunya

تِلۡكَ ٱلۡأَیَّامُ نُدَاوِلُهَا بَیۡنَ ٱلنَّاسِ وَلِیَعۡلَمَ ٱللَّهُ ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَیَتَّخِذَ مِنكُمۡ شُهَدَاۤءَۗ وَٱللَّهُ لَا یُحِبُّ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِینَ

 these days (of victory and defeat) We Alternate among people so that Allah may reveal the ˹true˺ believers, choose shuhadaa from among you—and Allah does not like the wrongdoers—

There are days where you win and there are days where you lose, and this is not an indication of Allah’s favour or disfavour upon us. This is a matter that Allah(swt) Decides, with a purpose. It is not a performance error.

2. Allah’s Help is Conditional

Sometimes….. it is a performance error. The believers lost on Uhud when they went against the command of Rasullallah(saaw). But when you make a mistake, do tawbah, ask Allah(swt) to forgive you, and try again.

The teacher was saying that Allah(swt)’s Help is conditional. You need to 1. have taqwa and 2. have patience, and Allah(swt) will Help you in a Way He Does not Help others. The teacher said this is the difference between Badr and Uhud.

بَلَىٰٓ ۚ إِن تَصْبِرُوا۟ وَتَتَّقُوا۟ وَيَأْتُوكُم مِّن فَوْرِهِمْ هَـٰذَا يُمْدِدْكُمْ رَبُّكُم بِخَمْسَةِ ءَالَـٰفٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْمَلَـٰٓئِكَةِ مُسَوِّمِينَ ١٢٥

“Yes, if you hold on to patience and piety, and the enemy comes rushing at you; your Lord will help you with five thousand angels having marks (of distinction).”

It was a point of reflection for me. Was I doing what I was suppose to be doing, and staying away from what I was told to? Was I making tawbah? If no, how do I expect Allah(swt)’s Help?

It’s interesting that depending on the circumstances you are in, you hear things at different depths. The lessons of Uhud were something that I have learned many times before, but it just was a lesson to be tested on. I never thought it could be applicable to me. I felt like I was hearing the story for the first time.

قَدْ خَلَتْ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ سُنَنٌۭ فَسِيرُوا۟ فِى ٱلْأَرْضِ فَٱنظُرُوا۟ كَيْفَ كَانَ عَـٰقِبَةُ ٱلْمُكَذِّبِينَ ١٣٧

Many similar ways (and mishaps of life) were faced by nations (believers and disbelievers) that have passed away before you (as you have faced in the battle of Uhud), so travel through the earth, and see what was the end of those who disbelieved (in the Oneness of Allâh, and disobeyed Him and His Messengers).

For me to then travel and see uhud with my own two eyes. I just feel a loss for words

A little disclaimer

I’m very hesitant to say statements like “when I did X, my life changed” or “when I did X duaa at X [super specific time] my life changed”. I prefer to avoid hasty statements like that as I think constantly speaking in that way gives a false impression that Allah the Most Exhalted, operates on a singular input-output system, when it’s much more complicated than that. We work on His Time, not ours. It’s His Hukum, not just our desires. And I find that people who decide to operate on this system tend to (arrogantly) get exasperated at a lack of response from their Lord: “I gave you the input, where is my output?” (i.e. “I made duaa or I prayed, why didn’t it happen??”)The inverse is also true: I got what I wanted because I did XYZ _{(see: prosperity theology)} 

If I make a lot of duaa & have followed what is commanded from me, I have 100% yaqeen/optimism that it will be accepted. I will never stop asking Allah(swt) for the things I want. But ultimately, it isn’t our actions that force a response from our Lord, but it is out of the Mercy of Allah(swt) that things turn out the way we want. There are many variables at play, and sometimes the wisdom of another plan overcome the outcome we desire. This is dunya. Our lives are not just about us. We see that many times in the seerah with Rasullallah(saaw), and one can begin to understand why he(saaw) was constantly making duaa

That disclaimer being said….

That disclaimer being said, what I will say is, adopting two small and easy habits made my heart at ease, and a few months later my life became very, very different. That is seeking constant istigfar & sending salutations upon the prophet(saaw) (and dhikr in general.)

Making a habit out of istighfar helped me mentally because it felt like I was covering my bases in terms of insuring that I am not the cause of my own demise. I am a very flawed individual and susceptible to sin, so making a habit of seeking constant tawbah, I can feel a bit better about myself. It gave me a response to the question: “am I in this situation because of my sins? Is this sabr or is this deprivation due to the evil I’ve done?” 

Dhikr was the same. It just gave me a sense of calmness.

I’m very grateful that, not instantly, but of months of trying, I ended up getting a job of my dreams. It was more than I ever got paid before and it not only gave me the funding I need to support my business, but the space & time as well. I also secured a very very amazing project in my business which I am really excited to show you soon!

All in all

I need the Quran in my life, there’s no substitute for it. No amount of lectures, reminders, quotes can replace the Kalam of Allah. I was really humbled by this. Don’t think because you are hearing reminders once in a while and you’re doing your basic obligations that, that will be sufficient for you. It might appear sufficient now, but there will be a time where it is not. Make the Quran your friend, and it will help you 

I got this ayah on the side of my prayer mat because I love the tafsir of this ayah. Rasaullah(saaw) is being comforted that He(saaw) will recieve the outcome he wants. And inshallah we will too.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts 🙂