More life, More lessons

I’ve abandoned this blog yet again 🙁 I’ve come to accept that what use to be such a central focus in my life, writing is now better described as a long-distance relationship that I see semi-annual. It’s interesting how life can have different, seemingly isolated chapters. I hardly remember the version of myself that spent all day writing and going to poetry events. I miss the intimacy of it, but I am happy where everything is.

I hope you are doing well.

2025 was the first time I thought to myself, “maybe this was all a mistake.”

How was 2025 for you? I had a very intense year attempting at my dreams, I felt a lot of resistance, like I was constantly running on an incline. I had events back to back in the summer. I got a studio space. My business went viral a lot. Even though I’ve technically been doing this business since 2020 (2017 if you count my early builds), yet it was only now, in 2025 where I finally felt some progress.

On one hand, I feel like my journey is too slow. But on the other hand, it makes sense that I am here, I was never able to be fully dedicated to the process: I always had to work or finish school, or complete side quests (the barn, which I will talk more about later). If I shift my perspective and calculate not by time passing, but how much hours I have actually invested into, the place I am at feels appropriate. Everyone’s story is different, and if you have to self-fund it just takes a little longer to chip at your goals. No shame in the game!

That being said, I had a lot of fun, and anxiety, I learned a lot. Difficult customers, mistakes, and managing overwhelming emotions. Even though I was waiting for this to happen for so long, it felt at times like too much responsibility. I understand why people say, be careful what you wish for. I had been making so much duaa for this yet when it came into my hands, it became my responsibility. It felt too overwhelming at times to carry. I was constantly wondering when I was going to fall and mess up. And I did.

My worst nightmare came true 

My worst nightmare came true last season: I had a bad (horrible even) event. It was my biggest wedding yet: 400 guests, large stage, the whole shebang. It was right smack in the middle of my booked-out summer. It is still very difficult for me to talk about this event because it still makes my stomach drop, I hate the way things turned out and I keep overthinking on what I could’ve done differently. But to sum it up, I got sick the morning of. I did not have anything prepared for something like that. I had help but since I didn’t really brief anyone about the details, it was still on me to get things up and running. I kept having to stop and run to the bathroom while setting up to throw up. I would pause cause I felt dizzy. The bride and the wedding planner were, rightfully so, very upset with me. I gave her a 100% refund. The wedding planners team had to come in and help me finish on time. The final product did NOT look good at all. 

Is this even worth it?

Humiliating. 

I never felt this level of embarrassment in my life. What do you do if your fears are validated by reality?

The days following after, I did not have much time to mourn because I still had so many bookings left. I kept thinking to myself, late at night in the studio as I did the remaining events, how much I regretted going down this path and starting a business. I could just be clocking in and out of work and going out with friends, why trouble myself with all this? I’ve built a decent career in research, I could just be doing that.The ache in my heart felt self-inflicted, it was so embarrassing.

There was a lot of layers to my embarrassment: one was with myself, the fact that I attempted at something and fell flat on my face. Another was being perceived as I fell in such a horrible way. I was planning how I was going to sell all my inventory and move out of my space. I really was so done. I think it was the moment I realized that the reality of the inverse of success. The level of success you wish to see, you need to be able to handle the equivalent amount of failure.  In that moment, I didn’t believe that trade-off is worth it. 

I yearn for the experience, and this might be my fatal flaw

The rest of the season did not go out without a hitch, though the remaining incidents were normal to the field. But because of what the wound was still so fresh, every hiccup felt magnified. I cried so much.

When the last event finished for the season and I closed my studio doors, I sat with myself a long time afterwards. There is a difference between knowing you are doing something scary/difficult and actually getting burned by it. Could I handle this? In the grand scheme of things, this incident is small, what if in the future you grow to do a 10,000 person event? 100,00? What if hundreds of people witness you make a mistake? What if instead of being judged by 4 or 5 people, what if it is hundreds?

After some reflection, thinking about my intentions, and all the things I want to accomplish, I made a decision that trade-off is worth it. I am only here for a certain amount of days on this earth before I leave, I want to see it all. The experiences on this earth, no matter how difficult, is worth it to me. I yearn for the experience, and this might be my biggest flaw.

When the year ended I couldn’t have been more happier. For the first time ever I visited the west coast.

It was nice to visit the empire before it collapsed

All in all,

There is always something you could have done better, and you can say that from a place without shame. Looking back almost a year later I understand it now: build a strong foundation, and you will set yourself up for success. Practice 1000 times, and the day you need to perform will go easier. Though I survived the summer, I didn’t have a proper infrastructure to sustain it, and as a result I suffered. I need to have a better foundation, which included finances. So once again, at the end of 2025 I went back to work full time to fund my own business. This time, I was not a recent grad, I have more experience in my career so it was much easier to get back into the field (or that is how it is perceived, in reality Allah(swt) had opened a means for me, no amount of credentials matters) I am still paying financially for the mistakes I made last summer. So if you are creative, learn from my mistake! Don’t take more on than you can chew.

This also meant letting the barn go. Though there were a lot of external factors going on with the barn, ultimatley I need to start from the ground up and have a proper foundation. I am not in a place skill wise nor financially to finish this project. I cannot risk making another mistake like the one in the summer. Inshallah, if it is meant to be, it’ll return back to me.

Let me know what you think! Have you experienced something similar?